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This is a guest piece by Bernice Dawes and is the first in a series of reports on the absurdities at the heart of the Colombian bureaucracy. Enjoy!

I have been living in Colombia, on and off, for the past three years.  During this time, my experience has been mostly enjoyable, being in such a diverse country where there is a huge variety of landscapes, scenery, climate and culture, and with some of the friendliest people in South America.  However, there is one blot on the landscape: Bureaucracy.

There appears to be no end to the list of seemingly pointless tasks we have to perform to please the Authorities and conform with Regulations, especially as a Foreigner in this land.  At times I have felt on the verge of throwing myself onto the floor, screaming and pulling my hair out, in rage and frustration, when I have had to deal with any kind of officialdom.

Take, for instance, my recent encounter with Colombia’s postal service.

I needed to post some documents to the UK.  It wasn’t a big package, just a few sheets of paper in an A5 sized envelope.  There are several companies who can deliver items abroad and so I set off with my envelope.

I first made enquires with a company called Envia, who wanted to charge me 90,000 Colombian Pesos (around 30 UK pounds!).  So, I hastened off to 472, which is the nearest equivalent to the Post Office that Colombia has to offer.

I waited in line, whilst most of the people working there seemed far too busy engaged in conversations with each other regarding what to have for lunch, rather than helping any of the customers.  Eventually, after a rather lengthy wait, it was my turn to be served.  The girl looked at my envelope and then at me, and then called to one of her colleagues to assist.

The slightly older young woman looked at my envelope and told me I would have to re-write it as the address was in the wrong place.  She told me I needed to have enough space at the top of the envelope to write my details, of which there was ample room.  She still refused point blank to accept my envelope, and then added that I would need to return with two photocopies of my Cedula (Colombian identity card).  It was just before noon, and therefore a two-hour lunch break was about to begin, so I muttered crossly about the ridiculousness of her requests, before angrily returning home to duly copy my Cedula.

Shortly after 2pm, I duly returned, armed with my freshly written envelope and the two photocopies of my Cedula.   After another seemingly unfeasibly long wait whilst the employees appeared to do nothing except ignore the line of customers, I finally found myself at the front of the queue.  I presented the envelope and photocopies triumphantly, only to be handed a form which I was told to complete in duplicate.  It appeared to be a requirement of the Anti- Narcotraffic Police and another Official Department in Colombia, and mostly consisted of tick boxes to say the package wasn’t full of drugs, arms, explosives or any other prohibited substances.

I also had to write all my details on the envelope – name, address, Cedula number, plus she wanted me to put my mobile number there too – I refused to give my telephone number and she actually conceded this point.

Amid more cursing under my breath, I finally completed the paperwork to the satisfaction of the young woman who was serving me.  She then demanded two sets of fingerprints!   I asked, tongue in cheek, whether she wanted a blood sample too!  At this point it seems pertinent to remind you that all I was trying to do was send a letter to the UK!

Finally, some 3-4 hours after starting out on this seemingly innocent journey to post a letter, I finally achieved my mission.

And that is a taste of Bureaucracy Colombian style!

Needless to say, I shan’t be sending any Christmas cards to friends and family from Locombia, as it is affectionately known.

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Kevin Howlett

Kevin is a political consultant and lobbyist who cut his teeth working in the UK Parliament. He is a regular panelist on Colombian television, a political communication strategist and a university lecturer. Kevin is the founder and editor of Colombia Politics.